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Exigence; Excerpt 1

“What the hell is going on?” Her voice quivered as she tried to keep it a whisper. She ducked behind the counter as a second particle rifle shot was heard. Pieces of the counter above her flew across the room, littering her with dust specks and small debris. She tapped her left temple. “Where are you Jeryn?” No answer. She rocked back and forth slightly.

Someone not too far away started to scream but it transformed into a gurgle and a thump to the ground. Despite her best efforts, she was very much afraid, her eyes wide in horror. A third shot was fired, closer to her than before, and there was a splattering sound that she knew immediately was someone being torn apart by the shot. Her body trembled; she was going into shock. 'This can't be happening,' she thought to herself, 'It's not time yet.' After a second of thought she risked a peak around the corner. A fourth shot fired off. Malena barely heard it before her head exploded into uncountable fragments of being. A fine mist of crimson red blood sprayed into the air, coloring the immediate area surrounding her now lifeless body. Her body fell to the floor, the sound masked by the sound of many sets of heavy boots pummeling the ground. The man holding the gun smiled when he saw the dead girl. With a quick motion of his hand, he silently called the others to him, and left the building.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 7th, 2007 08:22 am (UTC)
What an urge to edit. I see errors :(
Nov. 7th, 2007 10:20 am (UTC)
I like the phrase: 'before her head exploded into uncountable fragments of being'

Re: edting, I let myself make minor spelling adjustments or add in few extra words to help it make more sense, but I don't rewrite bits.
Nov. 7th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I like that phrase as well.

I do spelling and adding, but I don't delete anything.
Nov. 8th, 2007 04:52 am (UTC)
You have a great way with action. Kept me interested the entire time. Shocked me that the girl got shot, too. I wasn't expecting that.

Yeah I correct for spelling and add in some words in a sentence that I think needs it. I don't edit for grammar unless I've completely botched a sentence to the point that it's hard to understand the meaning in all the grammar mistakes.
Nov. 8th, 2007 05:28 am (UTC)
I do something of the same regarding jumbled/unreadable sentences.
Nov. 8th, 2007 03:15 pm (UTC)
Cool. Didn't see that coming. I like your flow.

Okay...so then what happends?
Nov. 8th, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Well, her death was one of two signals that brings on the invasion of Earth.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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